Learning the lesson called Grief

 

Stepping into 2022, there were quite a lot more uncertainties. 

Grief, was a lesson we knew would hit us someday, except we didn't know when. 

And one can never quite prepare for it. 

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On the night of 31st March 2022, I remember that visiting my great-grandma wasn't quite in the agenda as I have visited her the night before and it seemed like any other nights in the recent days where she would be silently resting on the bed and we had minimum interaction except that I would be holding her hands or helping to turn her around when needed. 

Thinking back, I'm thankful that while it didn't make sense, I still went. She seemed okay up until 7ish, where the hospice caretaker asked us if we wanted to give her a jab to help with her breathlessness. We agreed upon learning that if we didn't, it would put a lot more pressure on her heartbeat and she could potentially suffer heart attack. After the jab, the heartbeat slowed down quite a bit. I think it was around 9ish when we started realising that she had turn purplish. I think that was her conveying to us that she was about to leave. 

And peacefully, she left that night. The moment her breathing stopped, I dashed into her bedroom (she was resting on the bed in the living room) and cried buckets. Even when you know that she was going to be leaving soon, the moment it hits, it still hits. And it hits hard. I can't quite recall the thoughts that were running through my head but one of which was that the next time I return to the same place, it would feel very different. She would be absent in person. 

1) Tears are precious

The elders constantly told us not to cry, encouraging us that she has lived a good long life and even knowing so, the emotions didn't register that her departure was acceptable. But since they say don't cry around her, it made sense to find some other corner for the tears to flow, for the emotions to be released. So one thing I'll remind myself, and if I do encounter anyone going through grief, don't tell them not to cry.

Tears are definitely part of the emotional process of grief. And to be honest, there isn't really any button to trigger or deactivate it, anything possibly could. Moreover, the Bible says that our tears are precious to God. He collects them all. Even God, doesn't belittle our emotions. For our High Priest is not unable to empathise with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). So let your tears flow. 

Psalm 56:8 NLT

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

2) The wake is for both the deceased and the living

I didn't quite comprehend the meaning behind a wake, except to give the deceased a good send-off, until I realised, there was strength when people, going through the same season, gathers. When you are surrounded by family, and thankful for a pretty huge extended family, it helped to know that you're not alone. All of us has lost someone very dear to our hearts, be it mother, grandmother or like me, my great-grandmother. We surely wasn't crying all the time, but when we did, we didn't feel that it wasn't okay. 

And I also learned the lesson to allow myself to be loved. While I did share with my closed friends about the news, I wasn't quite expecting people to come down to the wake. I was lost at what to do. And then I realised, it wasn't for me to do. It was for me to consent to be loved upon, to be cared for. My friends, my shepherds came down, not because they needed anything from me, or to know if I was okay, they often asked if I needed anything. They came with herbal tea, bubble tea, coffee, bread, biscuits and lots and lots of love and prayers. This was when I realised what the Bible verse meant by "it is better to go to the house of mourning". 

Ecclesiastes 7:2 KJV

It is better to go to the house of mourning,
than to go to the house of feasting:
for that is the end of all men;
and the living will lay it to his heart.

3) "How are you" is probably the last question you want to ask

One of the questions I find the toughest to answer was when people asked me, "How are you". 

How could one even have an answer to that question. There was no way I would be fully okay. After all, she is someone super close to my heart. And I am also not not okay because I know that the Lord is with me and He has surrounded me with family and friends who loved me and sent comfort. The questions which I didn't stumble upon being asked was, "have you eaten", or "busy day at work" etc. It was still questions that expressed love and care, except it didn't hit the part of my heart that was hurting. Somehow felt like "how are you" was a question that was adding salt to my wounds. My heart is still taking time to process what has happened and how to handle the emotions that has entered it. While I am still functioning as a person, returned back to work, went back to Barre class, and trying to do the things I used to do, but it also felt like I wasn't able to do it wholeheartedly. So all I am going to do, is to take one step at a time, and I am super grateful for the undeserving grace and love from friends who while giving me space, also checked in once in while, or sent love in the form of food or flowers or prayers!

4) Death is an enemy to God

And how could I not wonder, God, why death? 

While there is no answer, thankful that I get to believe that DEATH has been defeated by my saviour, Jesus Christ. 

1 Corinthians 15:25-27
For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. 
The last enemy to be destroyed is death. 
For he “has put everything under his feet.

And we are not meant to experience death. Our souls are destined to live eternally when we confessed that Jesus is our Lord and Saviour. It shall be well. 

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,
that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

While I know not when the wounds of grief will heal gloriously, I believe there is a purpose and reason for this season. This is probably the closest I have experienced to heartbrokenness, and I definitely do not desire to go through it again. It certainly help to know that I am not alone. Take me on this journey Lord,  fully onboard with You and Your love. Let it be a graceful one, let it be one where Your name is glorified and my heart is discharged of fear and sorrow even when the memories do return, my heart shall not fear because it shall be filled with Your perfect love.