I am the vine, you are the branches

All too familiar with this verse in John 15 where Jesus reminds us that He is the vine and we are the branches. And I believe it is important that we remind ourselves to BE the branch that is dependant on the VINE. How do others see us? The fruits. The grapes. The goodness of the wine produced from the grapes. And maybe, just maybe, sometimes we allow our perspectives to be focused on how good the fruit is, how juicy the grapes are and how sweet the wine is to determine if we are a good branch. 

In many aspect, I find it easy to lean on the Lord and draw from the Vine, yet there are some areas that I have seemingly misunderstood how to be the branch. While it isn't my goal in life to look extremely gorgeous or be slim and slender, cannot help but find myself affected by how stout I may appear to be. Yes I know the Lord looks at the heart, and not the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7), but I am interested to find out how do I really look in the eyes of Jesus. 

Beauty.

Confidence.

Pretty. 

Healthy.

Unsure if they somehow belong to the same category, but for me, I know that there is a deeper problem that is probably hindering me from having a graceful figure. Yup that shall be my goal. Graceful figure. 

Binge eating; the recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food (often very quickly and to the point of discomfort). It started when I was around 11? That was around the same time my mum stepped into her 2nd marriage. She was often flying around for work with my ex-stepfather and I'll be left with the helper at home for most period of time. I think that was when I started "enjoying" going to convenience store nearby to get loads of snacks and chips! As I stepped into Secondary school, this would often be accompanied by watching dramas and movies and so I am also not sure if it was the snacks that was complimenting the shows or vice versa. I would secretly enjoy sneakily consuming them. Either way I think the common moments where I find that happening is when I am alone. It definitely did get better here and there and especially when I started working out back in 2018. That was also when I started working in Google and meals were provided, and readily accessible to the gym. That really changed my life. For the record, having accessibility to variety of food well prepared for us really really help this journey. Being able to restfully make choices of food that are good for my body. So yes that was probably when I lost weight (I think about 8kg or so), but beyond the weight loss, it was more of the healthy lifestyle that I got into that really seem to grow an extra layer of confidence in me. 

Then Covid hit. I changed jobs. And last year I moved out to live on my own. And I think that was when I started to find that cycle coming back. Like I would eat a main meal and snack on many other things later. And having to prepare my own meals was also a hassle, least to say, healthy meals. And I keep wanting to try a new diet, try something that would help me to get back on track and look as good as I used to before Covid and yet I keep failing. 

And that was when I knew, Lord, there is no way this journey would be possible without you. Teach me to take baby steps at a time and though the journey may be long, I'll rather it take long because I want it to be of long-lasting effect. I don't exactly know how Jesus will be opening up this new chapter ahead but I am certainly sure that when He is involved, I am assured of surprises and fruits that only He can bring.