For the Lord corrects those He loves💖

There are many thoughts running through my head and I guess I just needed a channel to organise all those thoughts and to bring them to a hiding place. 

Yes, a hiding place. 

Not so much that I needed hiding, but I knew I needed to bring it to a safe space, my refuge and strength, Lord Jesus Christ. So I have been tutoring my 11 year-old cousin for about a year now, ever since his parent's business was affected and financially it would have been strenuous to continue to support his tuition fees. That's when I suggested to tutor him without monetary consideration. Stepping in voluntarily started well at first. But recently it started to take a toil on me, and I didn't realise how it subtly affected my relationship with my loved ones. I'm not sure if I can really put to words what resulted in the toiling, was it because I'm not seeing fruits for the seed sown (his results kept fluctuating and there doesn't seem to be much effort from his end), or was it because I feel under-appreciated. 

Last weekend, I had a wedding lunch to attend, so I rescheduled the usual Saturday morning class to Sunday evening. We usually have tuition at my younger uncle's place. So when I arrived promptly, I noticed they have not arrived yet. And when we finally got into contact with them (after a few missed calls and missed messages), they explained casually to us that they have forgotten it was Sunday and they were home (and they stay in the West which is quite a distance from Punggol) and so somehow it led to the class being cancelled. There led to "extra time" to catch up with my grandma and as we were conversing, I was "casually" complaining about how it feels like the parents were taking us for granted, and here and there I think I mentioned that "I wasn't paid, and I wasn't appreciated" and that's when my grandma corrected me. She said I either choose not to tutor him, or if I choose to do it voluntarily that I should just do so without complaining and mentioning that I was doing it "for free". She say it hurts every time she hears me say "I was doing it for free" - and that caught me. I felt corrected. Took me a while to process my thoughts and this morning, I knew the Lord took time to love upon me. 

There were quite a few other matters on my mind and on my plate today. What a way to kickstart a Monday. And it is amazing how it can hit even though yesterday Pastor Prince just preached such a great word about living in the NOW and how to walk in the GRACE for the NOW, instead of regretting the past or worrying about the future. 

Today really felt like a Monday. 

And that led me to deciding that I wanted to check out one of the verses (Matthew 6:30-34 MSG) that Pastor Prince shared with us - as homework or as he calls it home "grace". And for the note, it isn't often that Pastor shares from the MSG version. It feels so relatable and so refreshing. And as I clicked into the chapter, my eyes stopped at verses 1-4. 

Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don’t make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won’t be applauding. “When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself. You’ve seen them in action, I’m sure—‘playactors’ I call them—treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds. They get applause, true, but that’s all they get. When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.

Matthew 6:1-4 MSG 

 

 “When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself.

When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively.

These were the two sentences that caught my attention. It was like the Lord aligning with what my grandma said to me last evening. I'm not to call attention to myself. I'm not to think about how helping the person looks and to just do it quietly and unobtrusively. And as I thought about it more, I was also reminded of the the season where I would be serving in Rock Kidz (our Church's children ministry) biweekly and that didn't have such a toil on me - like I didn't feel underappreciated - not that the appreciation was loud, but I wasn't going for those things. And usually I wouldn't too, or most of the time at least. And I think what's different about this time around, is because it has to do with my family - people who are closer to my heart - and you would think they would know your heart better and yet they don't seem to. The gap was probably what drove the frustration. 

Nonetheless, I stand corrected and like what Proverbs 3:12 says "For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights." I choose to believe God loves me, and He finds delight in me, hence the correction. Thank you Jesus for pointing me to my blind spots, even through means I wasn't quite expecting, yet You choose to do it so graciously. I am deeply loved by You, Lord.